Posted on October 28th, 2009
1. The Cinchpack of Notre Dame
The pitch: A String-A-Sling backpack sold to tourists at the Notre Dame Cathedral is hired to kidnap the beautiful Esmeralda. The cinch pack ends up falling in love with Esmeralda and attempts to save her from her captors, at his own risk…
Why the film was never made: Producers claimed cinch packs weren’t pitiful enough to inspire sympathy in audiences.
2. The Hills Have Ice
The pitch: Deranged ice scrapers descend from the hills to attack and cannibalize a family of innocent tourists. In the end, however, the ice scrapers feel remorse and decide to help the tourists by clearing the frost from their car windshield.
Why the film was never made: Producers argued that the ending was too postmodern for a box-office slasher.
3. Pirates of the Carabiner
The pitch: Keychain thieves hijack a college bookstore and take a pretty co-ed hostage, in hopes that her magic carabiner will free them from an ancient curse.
Why the film was never made: Studios felt the college football tailgating crowd was too small of a target audience.
4. Kites of the Living Dead
The pitch: Hordes of the undead wreak havoc on post-apocalyptic suburbia. After successfully turning all human survivors into zombies, they organize a worldwide day of kite flying that unites zombies in global peace… until the sequel.
Why the film was never made: Studios couldn’t predict that in 2009 zombies would rival even vampires in popularity.
5. The Fan-tom of the Opera
The pitch: After her father dies, a singer at the Paris Opera House hears the sound of whirring fans when she sings. Finally, a ghostly figure of a fan emerges from the shadows and declares its love for her.
Why the film was never made: Producers were unable to cast a fan with a decent singing voice.
The pitch: Promotional mice begin communicating with a five-year-old girl in suburban California through static on the computer screen. Eventually they travel through the computer monitor and into the house. “They’re here…”
Why the film was never made: Studios felt the story would be too traumatic for post-9/11 audiences. Maybe in 2010.
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